Brutal Honesty

So, as per usual, I did a couple of blog posts, spouted my usual “I’m gonna do this, I’m going to keep writing regularly” blah blah blah. Then I disappeared.

I’m not going to come up with some generic excuse, I’m not even going to try and come up with an exciting one. I’m just going to be honest. A few months ago, I began to suffer with my anxiety and depression again. Badly.I was miserable, not leaving my bed, sleeping all day, up all night. I just felt bleak, lifeless, like I was staring into this black-hole that was becoming my life. Anxiety wise, I was having between 3-6 panic attacks a day, and I mean full blown, crying, couldn’t catch my breath, ohmyhgodimgoingtopassout. I didn’t want to leave the house, I was scared of everything, I didn’t want to be left on my own, I didn’t want Keith to leave the house. I was envisaging the absolute worst all the time. It was like a Final Destination film in my head. Constantly.When it’s 6am and for the 5th night that week, you’re yet to sleep cause you’re thinking “What if so and so gets sick? What if they die?” Something has got to give.

It was exhausting and I really wasn’t coping. I was signed off work, medicated, referred for counselling etc etc. Unfortunately, one of my managers wasn’t supportive in the slightest and seemed  mostly concerned I was just taking a holiday. I wish. Long story short, I no longer work there. It was made very clear that I wasn’t particularly welcome back, and who would want to go back to that?

And here’s the thing. Within 2 days, I began to feel better. I should have felt worse, I was unemployed, with no job lined up, but I felt better. It began to dawn on me that maybe I wasn’t as happy in my job as I thought. When you’re working in a medical environment, you tend to see the worst of things. People sick, going through hell, people dying. You’re up close and personal to it all, and if I’m being honest (as the title suggests), I think I’m too soft for it all. I care, I get attached and I worry. It was no good for me.

So here I am, 22, (23 in a matter of weeks, and I still have no idea how that has crept up on me so quickly) unemployed, and I spend most of my day sat on my couch, making my cat chase a laser pen and binge watching Boxsets.

This is not going to be my life.

Self employment. The Dream. Sorting my own hours, working to suit me. Lets give it a go. But ideally, I want to be writing. I love this, I love sitting down and just pouring my heart out. I love blog posts like this, where I haven’t even had to think it through, I picked up my laptop and 30 minutes later, posted this, because it just comes to me.

So if you’re reading this, and you have any idea / contacts / tips that may be able to help me, please, please, send them my way. I would be insanely grateful.

*Inserts usual generic, I’m going to update the site more regularly from now on*

Thanks for reading x

4 thoughts on “Brutal Honesty

  1. I suffer anxiety and depression have done for years it had subsided slightly but my uncle died last week and seems to have hit me harder than ever before stay strong mate I know how it feels to be trapped so to speak in your own mind Keith is a good lad with the right support you’ll be back on your feet before ya know it much love nothing but admiration for the courage it takes to write these things for all to see get well soon ❤

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  2. Dear Hollie, once again you’ve written your blog from the heart, beautifully written it is too. I enjoy catching up to see how you are. Maybe you’ve realised it’s time to take time for you. Sounds like the last company you worked for was certainly not a nice place to work or even a nice company to work for. How about looking for something working in schools as an LSA, you’re brilliant with kids. Sending you much love and hugs. Xxxx

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